Disney princesses and academic spam
On a daily basis, I receive literally dozens of emails from ‘academic’ publishers and conferences inviting me to submit a paper or speak at their event (for a large fee, of course). For the most part, these invitations are laughably dodgy. However, an email I received in 2016 from Insight Conferences must surely win the prize for the dodgiest invitation ever. Not willing to let such satiric brilliance go unrewarded, I decided that it warranted a like response. Here is the invitation I received and my follow-up responses, which I sent after setting up several Google accounts specifically for the purpose of spamming the spammers.
From: <geologists@insightconferences.com>
Subject: ICOMB2016: Forge your admirers through your gracious presence
Date: 9 June, 2016 7:53:06 AM PDT
To: <kibell@mail.ubc.ca>
Dear Dr. Kirsten Bell,
Greetings for the Day!!
It’s the instance to forge your admirers that your passionate results can show up the difference for a concealed Ocean and Marine zones as a future formation…
We take pleasure in inviting you to participate in the 4th International conference on Oceanography & Marine Biology which is going to be held during July 18-19, 2016 at Brisbane, Australia. Being an expert and an experienced person, we would be kind to receive your Speaker /Delegate participation at our event. It will add more value to our conference proceedings at the scientific and practical sessions.
Theme: Discovering the Advances in Ocean Science and Marine Life
Oceanography-2016 mainly comprises the Marine & Ocean studies involved with: Physical Oceanography
Ocean Energy resources, Marine Pollution, Marine Biology, Remote Sensing & GIS, Marine Tourism, Aquaculture and Fisheries, Marine & Maritime Engineering, Marine Law and Policy, Ocean Biogeochemistry
Geology & Geophysics, Air-sea Interactions, Coral and Barrier reefs, Ecology & Biodiversity, Climatic changes.
For more information about the conference Please visit http://www.oceanographyconference.com/
Based on your interest, I will send you further details which will be helpful for the confirming the mutual work support between us. We are glad to inform you that we will provide registration discounts for groups (3 or more members). Kindly let us know your opinion.
With Regards,
Loraine Regina.
From: Ariel Mermaid <amermaid365@gmail.com>
To: geologists@insightconferences.com
Date: Thu, Jun 9, 2016 at 9:40 AM
Subject: Re: ICOMB2016: Forge your admirers through your gracious presence
Dear Loraine Vagina,
Greetings in return!!!!!!
I certainly do want to forge admirers through my gracious presence with passionate results – that’s why I signed up for ProfessionalsMingle.com – but your ‘conference’ invitation really caught my eye!!! You’re right, my ocean zone has been concealed for far too long! In fact, it’s been so long since I caught my last fish, the well is starting to dry up, if you know what I mean!!!!!
I’m a heterosexual woman, so I assume that means I should sign up for the ‘Coral and Barrier Reefs’ session rather than the ‘Aquaculture and Fisheries’ one (although I’m open to new experiences). Given that it’s been over three years since a fish last swam in my pond (so to speak), should I be attending the ‘Physical Oceanography’ and ‘Marine Biology’ sessions as well, just to reacquaint myself with the general mechanics? Finally, is there a session with a Fifty Shades of Gray vibe? (‘Ocean Biogeochemistry’ maybe?)
Also, I’m not part of a group, but I’m willing to consider the idea. I mean, I think my friends Anna and Elsa might be interested in attending (Elsa’s the pretty one – that pale blonde hair! – but Anna’s the daring one), but we’d rather be placed in different groups because it would be weird mingling at Disney functions otherwise. Have you got a message board or something where we can search out other ‘experts’ with similar proclivities?
Yours sincerely,
Ariel.
PS – I have attached my picture in case you need it for my profile.
From: Elsa Princess <elsatheprincess284@gmail.com>
To: geologists@insightconferences.com
Date: Thu, Jun 9, 2016 at 3:04 PM
Subject: Re: ICOMB2016: Forge your admirers through your gracious presence
Dear Loraine Vagina,
My friend Ariel told me about your email invitation and I would also like to register for your event – the one that promises to help me to forge admirers through my gracious presence. However, I think your ‘under the sea’ theme is a bit too ‘Prom Night Circa 1950’. What about a glaciology motif instead? This might help you spice up your session titles, which are frankly kind of boring. Why talk about ‘fisheries’ and ‘reefs’ when you could be talking about ‘glacial crevasses’, ‘giant icicles’ and ‘melting icecaps’ instead?
Ariel told me you require a picture for my profile, which I have attached. I also enjoy long walks at the beach and rim jobs.
Yours sincerely,
Elsa.
Insight Conferences actually responded to Elsa’s email (although, oddly enough, not Ariel’s), asking her to submit an abstract. So the question at that point was whether I could write something outlandish enough that they would not proceed with registration.
What follows is the email ‘Elsa’ received from geologists@insightconferences.com, her response, and a follow up email from ‘Ariel’ to the conference organisers.
From: geologists@insightconferences.com
To: elsatheprincess284@gmail.com
Date: Fr, Jun 10, 2016 at 12:43 AM
Subject: RE: ICOMB2016: Forge your admirers through your gracious presence
Dear Elsa
Thank you for your interest towards the conference.
Please confirm your status through sending your research abstract as per the attached template and then followed by your registration after getting approval.
You will have your research topic for a concerned track to elaborate your ideas.
I am glad to answer your queries
Regards
Loraine Regina
Oceanography 2016
http://www.oceanographyconference.com/
From: elsatheprincess284@gmail.com
To: geologists@insightconferences.com
Date: Fri, Jun 10, 2016 at 12:26 PM
Subject: Re: ICOMB2016: Forge your admirers through your gracious presence
Dear Loraine Vagina,
I was thrilled to get your response. I have attached my presentation title, abstract and biography. As previously discussed, I have chosen to go with a glaciology motif rather than stick with the dated ‘under the sea’ theme. However, I had a few questions before we finalise my registration as I have some special requirements we need to discuss:
I would like to deliver my presentation in the form of a song. Will you have a back-up band available or do I need to arrange my own?
Does the venue contain rooms that can withstand temperatures of minus 200 degrees? (I tend to have problems controlling my cryo-kinetic powers when I get excited.)
Yours sincerely,
Elsa.
Title: Delving to the Glacial Crevasse
Name: Elsa the Queen of Arendelle
Address: The Royal Palace, Arendelle
For centuries man has delved into the glacial crevasse, trying to understand its mysteries. Was it formed by foliation? Deformation? Fornication? Clearly the answer is none of the above. The crevasse is forged from an upthrusting crust but contains a magmatic dike with a flow cleavage. I consider the implications of this through an interpretive song and dance.
Biography
I’m 25 and a Sagittarius with Jupiter Rising. I was born in Arendelle and am the Queen of that fair land. I’m currently single and looking for someone strong enough to withstand my ice-hot womanly power. My partners (humans only please, although frost giants will be considered) need to be able to tolerate extreme cold and withstand an icy stake through the heart. I also enjoy walks on the beach, rim jobs as well as, obviously, snowballing. My safe word is ‘let it go’.
Presenting author details
Full name: Elsa the Queen of Arendelle
Contact number: 123-4567
Twitter account: @IceHotElsa
Linked In account: Elsa Princess-Queen
Session name/ number: Glaciology
Category: (Oral presentation/ Poster presentation) Oral, obviously.
From: amermaid365@gmail.com
To: geologists@insightconferences.com
Date: Fri, Jun 10, 2016 at 12:28 PM
Subject: Re: ICOMB2016: Forge your admirers through your gracious presence
Dear Loraine Vagina,
My friend Elsa just told me that you have asked her to register, but you haven’t yet responded to my email, even though I was the one you initially contacted and who told her about your event in the first place!!!!
Is it because she’s blonde? Can’t you see that she’s just a second-rate Cinderella! Plus, she has a head like a space alien (those ridiculously large eyes!!). I also have it on good authority that she’s speciest. Mickey told me after the last Disneycharacterhookups.com convention that she refused to engage in a threesome with him and Minnie, which is just plain un-American.
I am very disappointed in insightconferences.com for not encouraging more diversity in your events. I was even going to surprise attendees with an impromptu version of ‘Under the Sea’ (a.k.a. ‘Everything’s better down where it’s wetter’), but I wouldn’t attend your event now if you paid me.
Yours sincerely,
Ariel.
At this point, Insight Conferences finally went silent. Mission accomplished, Lorraine Vagina.
